


euphoria 001

by 0023_lucid



Category: Death Note, L Lawliet - Fandom, Light Yagami - Fandom, Misa Amane - Fandom, Nate River - Fandom, Near - Fandom, mello - Fandom
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Drugs, Fanfiction, LxLight - Freeform, M/M, Suicide, lawlight
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-15
Updated: 2019-11-15
Packaged: 2021-01-31 07:37:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,404
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21442600
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/0023_lucid/pseuds/0023_lucid
Summary: Part 1 of euphoria:Synopsis:Light finally left his four years duration of being Kira. He has nothing else to do other than use drugs and alcohol to cleanse his actions and overall state. L is the only person that can make him a better of a person.
Relationships: Lawlight - Relationship
Kudos: 11





	euphoria 001

1 - L Lawliet  
“Today, February 28th, serial killer, Kira / Light Yagami, age twenty four has finally left his four year duration in prison. Kira was a specific name identified by the society in the past years for Light’s actions. The Kira believers are more as identified as a cult other than a religious society.  
As said by government officials, a series of murders of various criminals was mainly caused by his high megalomania of decreasing ‘rotten people.’ It was basically his ‘dream’ to remove the wrong people in this world, or as I shall say Japan.  
He has killed his father and family, as well as hijackers, robbers, etcetera. His father is Soichiro Yagami, who is the superintendent, chief and head police of the National Police Agency (NPA). His sister is the only one that didn’t experience the wrath of Kira. Where he got his weapons are anonymous, but it was illegal selling.  
Before he was a high class student that excelled in classes from middle school to high school. He was planning to go to the most expensive college in Japan.  
We don’t know what caused his killing spree. Was it a psychological problem, a disease, we don’t know. Is he a sociopath or a psychopath? But all we know is that we don’t know what he is doing after his release in prison. But is he going to go back into his normal life as a normal citizen? Is he going to learn from his mistakes? What is he going to do? Is he …”  
I stare that the news report. I’m too lazy to move my black strands of hair in front of my face. I poke my sugared strawberries with a small silver fork. The news has always been interesting yet boring these days. There’s no meaning in the news anymore. This one seems rather … peculiar in a specific way. I sit in a crouched position on a red leather chair. I’m always wearing a long white sleeved shirt and denim pants. I don’t really have anything to wear, other than that. It’s almost like a casual uniform. I have been working for the National Police Agency for a while now, with an anonymous persona mask in front of me, a fake voice, etc. I’m like an unknown detective with an unknown identity, but with a simple name. Since I have been working with the NPA, Light is one of the most complex murderers in record. He never showed any evidence in the murder scenes, just clues for me finding him. That was a long time ago, for I don’t know what is going to happen next. He might do is megalomania spree again or just transform into a normal citizen in its entirety.  
But … Light Yagami, his name sounds familiar. I look up at the picture on the news. His brown eyes seem to have a deadly amber glow. Overall, he looks rather tired and drained. His brown hair is still neat. The same neat from my high school years, but it’s slightly messed up. The memories are coming back. He always worked on group projects alone, he kind of seemed like a ladies man. But vividly… he still looks the same, rather bored out of mind. For him leaving prison officially, I’m not sure if he is sane or insane about his actions now. But for Light being a killer, a murderer … it is a totally different perspective. Imagine being friends with a killer.  
“Watari, have you ever thought of being a comrade with a killer? I’m not sure if it is possible due to how society and government is these days. I’ve known Yagami since he was a child, when I was a child.” I say. I bite my fingernail, unsure what I meant, but understood what I was trying to say. I bite my lip trying to ignore the thought my childhood appreciation is coming inside my mind again.  
“Keep your friends close but your enemies closer.” Watari answers. He brings me a silver tray of black coffee and a large stack of sugar cubes.  
“Thank you, Watari.” I answer. I take a sip of tea. It’s bitter. I drop two sugar cubes. Three, four, five, six. I mix it with a miniature spoon. I take another sip, it’s sweet, the way I like it.  
I stare at the news again.  
“Up next …” 

2 - L Lawliet 

A year and a few weeks later  
January 21st  
9:30 pm 

Since last year, crimes have been declining drastically. The whole thought of crime is life deafening and life changing. Japan has been a safer country now … a more strict country now. From what I know of, prefectures have a specific curfew time for being outside at night. Parents are always with their children, rather protecting them in a way. This year, people’s New Year's resolutions are just to stay alive and be safe in anyway possible. I deliberate myself, standing in front of a window scanning the dystopian view of Japan. The Tokyo lights seem dimmer nowadays. It’s nice, rather illuminating and dusky at the same time. Yin and yang.  
There has been no crimes happening lately. People know what is right and wrong then. People are becoming more logical with their actions now. When will there be a stand of governmental and societal balance? The choice of balancing decisions, actions and thoughts into making a greater good? I shouldn’t overthink, I clearly shouldn’t. People can’t change other people … but themselves. I continue thinking to myself. 

3 - Light Yagami  
It was only two seconds of nothingness. Two seconds of inhaling cocaine, smoking wisps of weed, inhaling alcohol. Little did I know that I would experience searing pain by feeling something, something that would change my mental state for eternity.  
I tried to earn a government career, but I’m not accepted due to my actions of my father’s death. In other words, I was able to earn a job as a bartender in an unknown hole in the wall restaurant. My wage is low and all the money I can live off of is an empty apartment with a small table and a sleeping bag and … packs of cigarettes and drugs.  
I can’t imagine myself in this world anymore. After all I have done in my eleven year lifespan of just killing various criminals said on the news … I have done nothing but monumental chaos.  
I could feel my legs shaking, I could feel the constant beating on my bloodied hand. My brownish auburn hair is covering my face. My long black sleeved shirt has been through a lot. The alcohol stains were when I went to clubs and I had too many shots. The lint was because I never have time to clean it. The hole burns were … nothing. My pants are stained. I don’t have enough money to afford a pair of shoes.  
I didn’t know I was crying … smiling. I could feel my heart beat faster and faster. The adrenaline in my soul is never ending. My silver watch is broken, the small glass shattered like distorted lens in a movie. My eyesight is becoming hazy, smoky as if. I feel searing hot and sub zero cold. Everything is centered in my brain.  
Everywhere I go, crowds of people come attacking me, with their fists, words and signs. I’m already a criminal. A criminal. People come beating me. I never have time to fight back because I am so intoxicated, drained away from everything.  
I could see lights, flickering … disappearing.  
My heart is jerking, as if it wants to leave me. The pain is insanity.  
I just pass out by a heart attack. 

...

Four months later 

I slowly opened my eyes. My eyes still feel heavy. I try to breathe, the oxygen is crisp and cold. I leave a small grin. I cry again, the tears falling down continuously. The tears of millions of dead criminals and people that deserved a second time of life. I could smell the sharp odor of latex gloves, metal shots and the softness of a hospital patient’s gown. I could hear beeping … beeping.  
“Light Yagami, age twenty five. You left prison last year on your birthday. Quite a shock really. You were a perfectly fine student. I don’t know what caused your idea of ridding the world of evil. But I know it was effective. Your sister doesn’t accept you as her older brother anymore. Since you made your mother and father’s death, she had to be put in foster care and soon put in a foster family. She doesn’t accept the fact that happened but she has a family. She has come to see you. I will tell her when it is time to enter. You have to understand that you yourself can’t change the world. You can change your actions and decisions but not other people. Life is a precious thing, sadly you threw it away. This is your third lung replacement and your first heart surgery. Sayu you can come in.” I know that voice, I heard it before. L. His voice is smooth still … velvet. I remember seeing him in middle school and high school. He never liked socks, he looked good in a uniform. He works as a detective now. He still sits in his normal position but now he is just wearing denim pants and a white long sleeved shirt. His black eyes are inseparable, you don’t know that deep in his irises are his unknown thoughts. His hair is messy, like always.  
I could hear footsteps. I move my head. Then it becomes clear. Sister … “Sister. Sayu Yagami. Sayu.” I murmur. “I’m sorry … sorry. I’m sorry. I was trying so hard to make the world better, little did I know that I had to experience these consequences. I’m sorry for mother and father. I should have thought about my actions, my choices, my ideas I’m sorry. I should have lost my …” My voice wavers into nothing, silence. As all things should be. Sayu’s eyes a glossy amber, her hair is still neatly down. She’s holding a rose, a white rose. She’s wearing a short black dress. Perfect for my last ovation.  
Sayu suddenly hugs me. I miss her warmth, her presence. The tears fall down … faster, faster.  
“I miss you.”

4 - Light Yagami  
I have never felt this weak, I can’t contain my feelings of guilt, regret and loss. I clench Sayu’s shoulders. I can’t hear myself, I can’t hear my words. I know I am screaming, yelling for guidance. Father and mother isn’t here anymore … and I lost half of myself because of that. I have bottled up my saddened emotions for so long … I just feel depressed and melancholic everyday. I don’t even know what to feel anymore.  
“My name is Sayu Ohba now. Anyways … you get to live with my family, the Ohba’s for a while. I know you wanted family since your prison days. Everything is a fresh slate now. I miss the memories when you helped me with homework, I just miss your normal teenage self.” Sayu whispers.  
“I miss myself … I miss younger myself.”  
We untangle our emotional embrace.  
“You should change. Mother and father would freak if they saw an injured patient come into the house. I also got new clothes for you. I don’t know if your fashion taste changed. I have a button down, a sweater, dress pants and dress shoes.”  
“Thank you, Sayu. Thank you.”  
I see a notebook. It looks clean with a leather finish. There is a post it note and a silver mechanical pencil. The note says:  
Since you are living with your sister, you can write whatever you feel into this notebook. You can collect your thoughts as well as your feelings overall.  
Keep notice that my number is on your phone. I will call you when we should meet. We will meet at night. We will explain about your experiences and see if your personal state is improving.  
L

5 - L Lawliet  
I never should have written that. It sounds as if I am his mental health counselor. The drive has been quiet for the past five minutes. I think back to four months ago … when I found Light.  
It was at midnight, near To-oh University. There was less cars and less people walking at night. It was raining … hard. It was calming. Though I always was so calm, the calmness in that moment was the most calmest embracement I could have. I just stood there … enduring the rain. The lamp posts were a sodden hue, yet I liked it that way. I remember seeing Light staggering on a crosswalk far across from me. His hand was bloody, his hair was in distorted strands. He looked so shriveled, broken. A broken man in a broken world. Then it happened, the vivid moment when he just collapsed, trying to breathe, trying to live. His gleaming dark brown eyes called for help almost … almost …  
I shake my thoughts away.  
“Watari, I have inserted a tracker and camera within Yagami’s phone, it would seem right to monitor him daily since we don’t know what his next move will be. I have my personal concerns for him.” I say.  
He nods with understanding. Watari has been with me since I was a toddler. He knows my strengths, weaknesses and strategies. He has respected me ever since.  
I am respected … but I can’t respect myself and others … like Light.  
I just kept my thoughts bottled up in my finite mind.  
I just kept my words engraved in my motionless mouth.  
The drive was nothing but silence.  
6 - L Lawliet  
I stare at my computer screen. The time is 3:05 pm. The camera implanted in Yagami’s phone is better than my other cameras used for my other serious crime cases.  
Light is clenching his phone. His hair is neat again. He is wearing a cream colored sweater, a hazel colored button down, dark brown dress pants and shoes. I see two figures. Both of them are both wearing rather formal clothing. One is wearing a suit and tie and one is wearing a grey dress. One’s facial expression is stern and serious while one is rather mellow and soft. The one with the stern facial expression has glasses on. It’s Mr. and Mrs. Ohba. Sayu’s parents.  
“Light, here is my mother, Mrs. Ohba and my father Mr. Ohba. Say greetings.” Sayu’s voice seems happy but I could hear the sorrow tone infused with it.  
“Hel-”  
That’s when his phone dropped. I could a thud and a slapping sound.  
“This, this is your brother?! A serial killer. He has no right to be in the grounds of our house Sayu. This, this Light Yagami, your, your brother. Your older brother. He has done so many ungrateful and unrighteous actions he doesn’t deserve to be here with you. With us. He doesn’t even deserve a family. Yet, you come with high chances that he will change but he won’t. Look at him, it looks like his reputation doesn’t matter to him at all.”  
“Takeda, please. Give Sayu a chance. He’s her older brother, you at least give him respect. He’s starting over again. Please let him start over, please.”  
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be here … I’m so-” I could hear another slap.  
“Don’t say sorry, you imbecile.”  
“Takeda, stop!”  
“I should go.”  
Light takes his phone and walks. His steps ascend with quick speed … he just runs. He went so far, he wanted to restart again after all the chaos he made. He’s running away from his problems that he is too weak to confront because he has no one to be there beside him.  
Other than me.  
That brings nothing but a simple tear in my solemn eye.  
7 - Light Yagami  
I don’t know what I am doing.  
I don’t know what to feel.  
I don’t remember what I did when I was running.  
I just remember when I was looking at myself in a shattered bathroom mirror, with my hair, damaged and chaotic, dyed black and red. The scissors I held were splashed with black and red hair dye and my cut hair strands. My hands were stained with black ink. I just remember covering my mouth trying not to choke down a sob. Kneeling down and holding the sink.  
All I know is that I had drugs I can’t name, alcohol tastes I can’t describe. Seconds of time I wished I didn’t use but used it. Time just made me useless.  
All I remember was looking down at a sea of nothingness and standing on a high bridge.  
Then I remember looking up at the purple rain, dancing on stairs and smiling.  
I remember kissing a girl, Misa Amane was her name. She made me so happy, euphoric. Her eyes were eclipse, shining with dark and light shades. Her hair was golden, golden as the sun. Her style was interesting, harajuku with a lolita vibe. I don’t know … but I felt lust when I was with her. The kisses felt like nothing, but something. I don’t remember the rest ... I just remember … seeing stars falling through deafening basses, tenors, sopranos, loud music. I was at a club I think … I think. I just remember dancing into the oblivion of my anonymous mind.  
Writing down my soul in a lined alley.  
Then looking up at the serene night sky that I wished I had. Crying and crying and crying. Thinking about my past. My father, my mother. My sister.  
Then … time stopped for me.  
Time stopped when I was standing alone in the starry night.  
Standing alone on a crosswalk where I used to live as a teenager. The Kanto prefecture. The once colorful place where I used to talk to school friends. Where I used to get my A’s on nationwide tests. Where my house was so clean and organized. Where the memories I held are nothing but ash and smoke.  
Time just froze when I saw L.  
L.

… 

“Rare seeing you here, Yagami. You changed.” His black eyes are emotionless as always. Yet, his words have more emotion than himself.  
I don’t know if I changed. I just feel the same. The same as I was years ago … but more damaged, intoxicated in the inside. I don’t know what to feel. I don’t know what to have.  
“You did change. You just don’t know. You seem rather happy with your place. Though your hair is dyed a black and crimson hue … you always have a serious frown or ecstatic smile on you face. You are not a killer anymore.” He says with slight emphasis.  
“I don’t know what you mean.” The words come effortlessly out of my mouth.  
“I saw you dance on those stairs, I saw you cry, I saw you kiss Misa Amane, I saw you feel distorted in your place. You don’t know what to do after your life deafening actions.” He says.  
L comes closer to me. I could hear his ragged breaths, coarse but calming. “You just want someone to love. Someone to be with. I have never earned the correct aspect of love itself, but I know you and I need it.”

8 - Light Yagami  
“What love do I need? Sayu’s parents hate my existence, I know my sister isn’t happy to see me, the NPA can’t allow my resume, I can’t earn a job, I can’t do anything. I can-”  
He comes closer to me again, his chest getting closer to mine. He feels cold, I feel warm. He whispers in my ear, “If you were Kira again … would you feel the same way? Feeling this remorse, loss of family, loss of your existence, loss of your personal self, resentment in your mind that will be part of you forever? I would feel the same way, but blood and bodies is all I see, taste and endure.”  
I could feel a hot tear fall down slowly on my cheek.  
“You’re a smart person, Yagami. I understand you try to change but people don’t accept your personal growth. The whole society just lets down one person just because they are not normal. You were unique enough to just take a stand in something impossible. You wanted to remove toxic people, I understand that. But you can’t change another person, just yourself.” I know what he is saying, but it isn’t clicking in my mind.

9 - L Lawliet  
He still doesn’t understand.  
He will understand once I say something or do an action.  
What will that action be? What should I say to him.  
“How can I change myself?” Light asks, his voice is infused with impatience. He clenches his mouth, he’s crying more. He’s more vulnerable than I thought. He was good at hiding his emotions in middle school and high school. When he was in second place for a contest, he just slipped on a mask of a fake smile. He bottled so many negative emotions … he can’t even express it. I feel bad for him, sorry as if.  
“You already did, you made a choice.” I say. I try not to choke. I can control my feelings and emotions. But depression and melancholy is the only part of me I can control.  
“What choice?” He asked, his tone of voice is lower, softer.  
“Loving yourself. You smiled when you were alone, you smiled after you were at a loss. I wish I had that happiness. I wish I had that happiness even though I experience too much sadistic deaths in my career.”  
Light tries to say something, but he just looks down. I could sense rain. There are raindrops falling down slowly. Then it becomes faster, harder. I move farther away from him, five feet apart. I face my back towards him. I walk slowly, but every second I take feels like an eternity. I slightly look downwards and I look up again. I could hear a clicking sound.  
Click, click … click click.  
The clicks sound sharp, it’s almost like swords. He’s going to kill himself. I could hear his breaths becoming broken and shattered.  
Click, click … click click click.  
10 - Light Yagami  
I drive the pocketknife in my chest. But L’s hand stops the knife by clenching my wrist. I try to move my hand … but he is too strong. I accidently make the blade scrape my lips. I could take copper, blood.  
His black, obsidian eyes stare into mine.  
My amber eyes stare into his.  
“Let go.” I say. “Let go.”  
“Life is valuable, you shouldn’t waste it, Light Yagami. Death is the truth while life is the lie. I never really understood the concept of having a beating heart, breathing lungs and a living soul. Look at me, I have been orphaned yet turned into a miserable man living beside the government. Your acts in your past proved that life is important, not the ideals and morals of perfecting the world.”  
“What does my life mean to you?”

11 - Light Yagami  
“We share similar minds, yet different lifestyles. You should be fortunate with your place.” L says, his voice sympathetic. His face is emotionless, as always. I wish I had no emotion, no thoughts.  
“If I am fortunate then why am I experiencing a series of pain and strife? My sister hates me. Her family hates me. I have never earned a future.” I answer weakly. I could hear the strain in my voice, I don’t know if I am yelling or screaming,  
Everything feels cold. The rain hides L in my sight.  
I hate myself.  
I let go of the pocketknife. The clattering sound screeches in my ears … leaving a ringing echo. I just lay there. L puts himself in a standing position.  
“We should dry ourselves, Light Yagami. It’s healthier if you talk to me instead of keeping it bottled up inside your mind.” L says softly. He puts his hand out. I take his hand. I shakily stand up. I still look downwards.  
The rain is still continuing. It’s hard, as if soft shards are shattering my back. I just give myself a moment of silence, a moment of pure nothingness. I close my eyes for five minutes. Slowly, for each nanosecond, each simple second I flutter my eyelids open.  
I accept myself in the present, the present.  
“... Let’s just go back to my apartment.” I blurt out. 

… 

I open the door. It’s dark, it’s cold. The heater hasn’t been working for a while so everything is freezing. I make a courteous entrance for L. He stares through my empty living space. His black eyes scan thoroughly at my sleeping bag, at my table, at my cigarettes and drugs and alcohol. I gently close the door. It leaves a creaking sound.  
“Light … I never expected this. Reminds me of my childhood. My days at the Wammy orphanage without cigarettes, drugs and alcohol. Well then … last year was a hard year for you then.” His voice seems more mellow. He looks at me for a moment and moves his head towards the front of the apartment. I don’t know what expression he has because his back is facing me. There is a slight wind, leaving the grey, dusty curtains delicately dancing.  
“Last year was a complex year of hurting, grief and loss. Since my eleven years of me being Kira … and my four year duration in prison … my life went downhill. Before I never knew what personal conflicts I would face. I just accept my unfortunate life because that is what I deserve. I don’t mind being homeless in the future. I’d rather be contempt with loneliness and suffering.” I say.  
“Maybe you are overreacting. Maybe you just wish to have someone that is similar to you. I would like that. Last year for me was similar to yours, but except … less violent.” L answers promptly.  
But that isn’t the point … “I hurt to many people already. I have lied, I have done so many stupid things. My choices led to this situation. This situation where I am on the verge of living. I don’t have enough money for proper nourishment, proper care, proper lifestyle.”  
“How about Watari and I give you some direction. You have been doing things on your own and everything isn't going straightforward as planned. Guidance might be the best key for reaching your success.”


End file.
